A Letter to a Parent of a Newly Diagnosed Autistic Child

I stumbled across a wonderful letter written by a young man called Ben to a parent of a newly diagnosed autistic child and it completely blew me away.

Here’s the link to the site Empower Autism which is where I originally read the letter and I’m sharing it in full below in response to their request for it to be shared as widely as possible.

It’s long but definitely worth a read especially if you are a parent of a child who has just completed the autism assessment process.

Dear Parent,

Your child’s diagnosis must raise many questions. I can only imagine your perspective, confronted with the anxiety and uncertainty of a forest of information, politics, and popular culture. Looking in from the other side – being autistic – is a very different experience. From both sides, though, given enough patience, many of the most important and personal questions answer themselves over time, and we find ourselves leading extraordinary, productive lives.

As an autistic adult, I often consider what responsibility we have to inform future autistic generations. Many of us share a great deal in common. We tend to understand each other’s personal challenges more intuitively. In isolation, we tend to make the same mistakes. As we mature, we often come to overlapping insights and criticisms of the world around us. When brought together, we represent a vibrant and productive culture that celebrates individuality and thrives on a multitude of unique strengths.

From this, I strongly suspect that the key to living with autism is forgiveness and acceptance. Understand that it isn’t your or anyone else’s fault. Your child is still themselves, and will live their whole life through the lens of autism. This can be really hard. But, the most powerful tools for finding peace with autism are some of the best for coping in life: curiosity, positive attitudes, and a growth mindset. Over time, this attitude will serve both you and your child well as you begin to understand who they are, and how they relate to the world.

While our culture’s social, clinical, and popular perspectives of autism have evolved greatly over time, it’s still not given that kids with ASD make it safely to productive adulthood. Autistic children may enjoy a host of services, but there are very few programs or practical supports for autistic adults. Autistic unemployment, homelessness, and incarceration rates are much higher than average. Our life outcomes tend to be more heavily biased by socio-economic status, opportunity, prevailing politics, and the local norms of gender and racial equality. Many of us do well, but still carry heavy psychological scars.

On some level, this is a struggle we all share. We all work to find our own path through life. For autistics, though, this journey is different in important physical, cognitive, and emotional ways. In my own life, I’ve found that working to understand and respect these differences has had a great impact on both my well-being and the quality of my relationships. Counter-intuitively, the greatest lesson may be that autism tends to enable a profound sensitivity and sense of empathy that is especially hard to communicate, and easily misunderstood.

Current research shows that autistic differences run deep: it’s clear that ASD isn’t a disease, but a group of related traits that are [often] passed between generations. These traits lead to changes in the early and ongoing shaping and development of key brain structures, producing an individual with a unique perceptive and expressive ability. While autism becomes a disorder when these differences lead to social difficulty, there is often great potential hidden among the quirks.

Even though autistics are generally billed as “antisocial”, there are plenty of outgoing, extroverted autistic people. Many of us love making friends and meeting new people, but have difficulty growing and maintaining relationships. These issues tend to stem from dramatic differences in interests and communication styles. In this regard, peer-level social coaching can be transformative. I highly recommend encouraging your child to seek out friends who “fill in” their social blind spots and advocate for their differences. My wife does this for me, and it has had a profound impact on every personal relationship I have.

The major challenge of autistic life, in a practical sense, is the delicate compromise of learning to balance outward accommodation against internal adaptation. Learning new skills and coping strategies can beat social and environmental obstacles. But, it is just as important to recognize important triggers and sensitivities, and teach others to understand and work with your child’s limitations and strengths. It is often most productive to seek some accommodation, and focus time and energy on building key strengths and skills. This requires some diplomacy, but avoids the stigma and lost effort of “normalizing” natural autistic behaviors through excessive therapy.

As they mature, your child may begin to show certain aggressive or repetitive behaviors as an instinctive form of self-defense against frequent stressors. For example, many autistics avoid eye contact because it hurts or interferes with thinking. Sudden environmental changes can trigger episodic panic or melt-down. For some, loud sounds, strong smells, and bright lights cause severe physical distress. Repetitive physical actions, such as “stimming”, flapping, vocalizations, or “tics”, may provide hints that your child is reacting to stress, and needs help or time to cool down.

Navigating sensory overload is different for everyone, but usually takes the form of physical practices (like using earplugs in a noisy room). I’ve found a lot of benefit in mindfulness techniques like meditation, yoga, and structured breathing. I manage daily stress through running, and take care not to over-extend my mental energy. Sensory-related stress management can also extend to diet, by limiting or eliminating known physical stressors such as cured meats, preservatives, artificial colorings and flavors, lactose, antibiotics, and excess sugar.

Often, as when facing bullying and stigma, autistic melt-downs may be a pure expression of self-preservation. Knowing this, it’s vital to pay close attention to institutional settings like schools. The repetitions of daily life away from home can amplify simple stresses into long-term problems. In some schools, strict codes of “accountability” and conformity unintentionally punish autistic behaviors. Bullying may also extend to adults, as frustrated faculty can expose autistic children to emotional abuse, restrain them in isolation, or punish them in public ways.

This isn’t to excuse harmful or disruptive behaviors, but to emphasize mediation through understanding and communication. If you find yourself at a behavioral impasse, I highly recommend assuming competence first. Question the environment. Consider subtle sensory issues like ticking clocks, room temperatures, clothing and food textures; or background smells like laundry detergent, bleach, and perfume. Socially, unresolved or hidden frictions with other students and teachers can create a great deal of stress. While issues can get complicated, lasting solutions are found by emphasizing resolution, mindfulness, and skill building over behavioral modification and rote conformity.

As policy evolves, mediation and accommodation have become more commonplace in public settings (consider the recent supreme court ruling on schools). However, institutions still tend to fixate on specific behaviors and policies while ignoring underlying causes and issues. For autistics, this echoes a very dark history of institutionalized discrimination and oppression. Because of this, personal and political advocacy continues to play a key role in the well-being of autistic people on every scale. Many have fought for decades for the recognition and acceptance of autistic people in policy and politics. Our continued well-being is tied to these efforts, and active participation is worth consideration.

Given the recent flurry of published studies, there is a quickly growing body of good information on autism. When building your social and support connections, though, I urge a certain level of caution. There are vocal organizations and groups who thrive on maintaining the fear and stigma associated with autism, and do so with great harm to autistic people and our culture. Similarly, there are fringe clinicians pushing disproved disease models of autism to capitalize on false cures, therapies, and treatments (that can and do kill). It pays to do some homework.

I understand that this is a ton to take in. The bottom line is that your child isn’t broken. There are no missing pieces. They will, however, enjoy an unusual developmental trajectory. As their parent, you have the opportunity to advocate for their specific needs and development, and manage the institutional demands that will challenge or antagonize their natural behaviors. You have the chance to help your child discover who they are as a unique individual. Doing so will require helping them learn to satisfy their needs, while getting by in a world that often isn’t tolerant of quirks.

Ben

Spectrum Sunday
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4 thoughts on “A Letter to a Parent of a Newly Diagnosed Autistic Child

  1. I loved this letter. I remember the fear I felt when my son was first diagnosed as I worried about what it would mean for his future. Three years later, I too have been diagnosed as autistic and I have come to learn that there are many positives along with the challenges.

  2. Such a wonderful letter – covering so much. Thank you for writing and sharing it with #spectrumsunday

  3. I love reading new blogs. They inspire me to look at life, find the positive, love live and to write about it myself. I have to say that I enjoyed your post, it has give me some help on what to write next. I want to thank your for that.

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